Since this is my blog for whatever I want to write about I am creating a series that will be me talking about my personal life. If you are not interested in that kind of thing then just look to see if a post title starts off with "My Life" and go ahead and skip it. This is mostly just for me to try take some time just to go over various aspects of my life, so this is more for me than anyone else.
In the past couple of weeks, and perhaps even further back, I have been feeling some symptoms of depression. It is hardly the first time I have experienced these so I at least knew what to look for this time around. Previously I thought it was just a part of my personality that I needed to correct so needless to say I never really did anything that helped in the long run. Since then I have gone to therapy and honestly it has been years since then that I felt like this.
Lately though my life feels like it is just stuck. That I am not doing anything of importance or useful and the goals I have set for myself are more like daydreams than anything actually attainable. This has caused my motivation to plummet and I have to fight with myself to do something productive. Even getting this written has been a few days worth of struggle.
Today I hit my tipping point and had a breakdown. It was something I was hoping to avoid as with it comes so much self-loathing. And it it is just frustrating as I know rationally those thoughts make no sense and should be ignored but that does not stop them from slithering in and trying to take hold.
So far the best method of dealing with this is distracting myself with just any activity. Not the easiest thing to do when motivation is an issue. And if I want to get better I need to face things more head on and find somebody to talk to that will listen.
It is terrifying to seek out help from others, as I have run into the issue of others not believing me when I talk about having a mental illness or brush off my problems as if my worry is just me being foolish. But I know I have to try. And writing this is helpful as in a way it lets me warm up and build some of the courage I need to speak up.
So I am going to take some calming breaths, take a minute or two to meditate to get my mind in a better place and go talk to someone. I just hope they will listen.