In the search to return to how things were before the depression took hold I am finding interests that had waned in the past few years coming back and bringing me the joy they once did. I also find myself reflecting on the past, to when I was happiest, and trying to bring what I can from those times back into my life if I find they still make me happy. The two big things for that are Johnny's and American comics. While I never stopped liking either I was barely keeping up on them so I have a lot of catching up to do, but I am so glad I am. I feel like crying from happiness sometimes when I realize how much I love these hobbies.
Also in looking back I realize I kept getting myself caught up on trying to turn my hobbies into side-income, and it probably aided in having them loose their luster. I was looking at things not solely on if I enjoyed it but also if I could find a way to monetize it as well. And at some points that latter view would overshadow the former. Once I started to find things to enjoy that I had no desire or want to make money off of, I began to find myself feeling better. It was if I lifted a weight off of myself.
There have also been some personal changes as I am actually finding myself getting out and interacting with others in person instead of staying home. This has been big in helping me deal with feeling isolated, as where I currently live it is hard (if not near impossible) to find others with my interests that are other adults. Even if I have to go some distance to find someone it does confirm to me that if I can move to a more populated area around here I will be able to find the community I have searching for.
Then there is the fact that I have a new job and I will be reaching important financial goals for being able to move from where I am next year. I have so much hope now. The feeling of being stuck and not being able to reach my goals at times had felt overwhelming. The therapy helped so much in getting me in the habit of reminding myself that there were positive things in my life to take into account and that things were not as bad as the depression wanted me to think.
It has been about half a year since reaching that low and getting some much needed help, but it feels like it should have been longer with how much things seem to have changed in my life. I know there is still plenty of work to be done to get me to where I want to be, but now I have the confidence I can do it. Maybe not always they way I want or hope but if I keep going, keep trying I will move forward.
That all said I cannot make any promises with what I plan to do online. I have a long list of what I want to do, but I am learning that I need to make sure I am only taking on only what I can actually do. Trying to do everything I want has just created anxiety and then made me feel bad for letting people down if I do not achieve my goals. So instead I am going back to my roots for when I started to publish things on the net and focus only on creating out of the love of the topics I am discussing. When I started blogging with Never Ending Music Power I did so just out of love for Johnny's, and it made me happy. I want to regain that happiness and focus on loving the things I do. If I create blog posts or videos out of that love, then that's just what I will do. Even if no one reads or watches them or I never get anything out on any kind of schedule. When I love something I want to share it with others naturally. And while it would be nice to make a little money in the process, I do not think I can make it a focus. If it happens, it happens. And if not, that is what day jobs are for.
In the end I am still learning and probably will be for the rest of my life, which I am hoping will be a long one. I am also quite grateful for everyone who has patient with me as I do so.
